before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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