this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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