The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
