hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I still have a little drunk in my system
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
