I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The best revenge is premature balding
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
