i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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