five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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