I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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