yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
