your parents love me but you hate me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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