My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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