I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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