i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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