Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
