I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
