my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How external is "for external use only"?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
