New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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