Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
