I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
