What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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