Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
