I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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