In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
