You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
