Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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