I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
