I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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