and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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