I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
bring money and cleavage
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
