idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
