between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize