dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
