don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Two words: blizzard sex
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
