The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
