I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
