Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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