And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
