bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
