i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Boobs speak an international language.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
