I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
