i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize