There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
