I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
