I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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