shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
