You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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