We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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