I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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