I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We left the knife in your bed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
