I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
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