he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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