Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
