dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
