I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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