I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
