I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
